OK Sheldon, hold up the sarcasm sign until I tell you to put it down.
This should be a beautiful event, a true homage to love. No one could ever think that the 26 year old bride-to-be might have ulterior motives in wanting to marry convicted nut job Charles Manson. He’s just so dog-gone charming! I told my wife before we were married that I would scrape a swastika between my eyes with a rusty, broken spoon handle if it would please her, but she said she didn’t need extravagant things.
Elaine “Star” Burton says — “Y’all can know that it’s true,” she said. “It’s going to happen. I love him,” she added. “I’m with him. There’s all kinds of things.”
Yes, there certainly are all kinds of things. Things I scratch my head about and ponder. The platypus leaps to mind. The octomom elbows her way in.
(Sheldon drops the sarcasm sign and walks away…)
Just when I think I’ve read, heard and seen the craziest, most bizarre stuff – BOOM! – Something comes along to top it. We’ll never run out of “crazy” I guess, it appears to be a renewable resource.
My first CD release ‘Glimpses‘ explored some of these off the wall absurdities. One was the nationally covered pizza bomber case that happened right here in good ol’ Erie PA (Collar Bomb). Another was an amazing tale of SUPER-crazy lady Joyce McKinney, who left Utah and became a stalker, rapist, piss-poor burglar (so she could raise money to provide her three legged horse with a prosthetic leg) – and finally ending up in South Korea where she successfully had guys in white lab coats clone her favorite pet pit bull “Booger”. I call that song Animal Cracker Jackpot. Click the link and give it a listen, lyrics provided below.
I urge you to read these linked stories, I guarantee you’ll come away from the experience feeling ever so much better about yourself – and your loony-tunes aunt! ~TH~
ANIMAL CRACKER JACKPOT – lyrics
Well there’s a new land down North Carolina where a circus show was set to begin- She was a pin-up, became a Wyoming beauty, hit the road and started travelin’
Moved on to Utah, steppin’ out with a boy, they were makin’ some plans, makin’ some noise- He started runnin’ like a sensible man when he saw her mind unravelin’- It was an animal cracker jackpot on parade
A sweet obsession, a dose of animal lust put this foxy lady hot on his tail- Flew off to England in pursuit of her lover, grabbed him up and hit the dusty trail
A country cottage all made up for her man, a silky suit for his legs, a velvet cuff for his hands- Just like a rabbit slippin’ outa the snare he told a story that would land her in jail – It was an animal cracker jackpot on parade- Including all the ones you never knew they made
Forget your lions and your tigers and your elephants too, she’ll make you scratch your head and wonder “what’s the next thing she’ll do?” – Picture a dodo with a pitbull on a three legged horse – She’ll tell you she’s not crazy but consider the source
She’s an animal cracker jackpot on parade- Including all the ones you never knew they made
A Black Maria and three months in the slammer, jumped her bail and disappeared in the night- A slow migration put her back into Utah lookin’ for the light of her life
She’s gettin’ tired from being wired to a long travelogue, she’s gone to the dogs in South Korea where they clone ’em by numbers- Barnum never saw such a sight
As an animal cracker jackpot on parade- Including all the ones you never knew they made
music and lyrics by Tom Hitt copyright 2014